Perception is reality: importance of keeping a POKER face.

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According to Urban Dictionary, Poker Face is:

“An impassive facial expression cultivated to prevent other players from determining whether one’s actions in the game are the result of a quality hand, or of bluffing.”

An ex-boss of mine said to me once, “PERCEPTION IS REALITY”. I don’t remember exactly the context he said it in, but I know for a fact he was a great guy and he wanted me to do well. I’ve come to interpret that phrase as misrepresenting who you are by personal style, facial expressions and body language – the notion that you are projecting the wrong image of yourself.

It doesn’t seem logical that how we perceive ourselves to not be self-evident in itself and not the same as how others come to perceive us but yet to some of us with no poker face that is possible. What we say, do, or not do says a lot about who we are. Body language and facial expression has a lot to do with it too.

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For some – trouble rolls off their back, for others it lingers until it loses its potency and is replaced with another pressing emotion. And some “WEAR OUR HEART ON SLEEVE”, especially in certain situations.

It’s not without a reason that the players with the best poker face are more successful, after all ability and luck can only carry you so far. Information is power and giving away one’s motives, feelings can become like a gift offering (ammunition) to anyone looking to use it. It’s funny (not really!) how that works but if you openly show your vulnerable spots, you will be an easier target to hit…

There was this show few years ago that aired on Fox, “Lie to Me”, crime drama about using psychology to interpret facial expressions and body language of alleged wrongdoers. It’s incredible that somebody actually made “face reading” into a TV series. There must be some truth to all this after all…

Still, I’m not entirely sure how accurate and reliable this can really be … but for sure the ability to display a “poker face” in some situations can turn out to be a real asset.

Even Lady Gaga wrote a song about it…

If you can conceal what you don’t want to reveal, more power to you. 

“We accept the love we think we deserve”

I’ve often struggled with being able to BALANCE: being nice with not compromising too much. I mean if everyone had adequate boundaries, there wouldn’t be a problem, but we are all guilty from time to time from taking too much and not giving enough and vice versa. If there was some kind of a give and take METER to tally daily results and give feedback, but there isn’t. We have to rely on our perception and awareness is a subjective thing, it is an acquired skill to be tuned in and self-aware and it’s not a perfect science.

Then, there is the scenario of conflicting motivations, when one person wants one thing and if they are not getting it, they will hold a thing the other person wants hostage. I know I’m being vague but this qualifies as one of those fill in exercises, any want or desire could fit in.

I’ve always felt it’s not what you say but how you say it. Delivery is so important. But what’s really critical is setting ground rules. What is acceptable to do in a relationship and what is just out of line? What do you compromise on and what can you absolutely not tolerate? What’s the deal breaker? And of course this is a personal preference, what’s a hard limit for you, may not be a hard limit for somebody else.

I suppose this comes with experience, but how do you know where to draw the line? What about “decision” remorse?  I’m a woman and I change my mind often. But hey, usually first instincts are correct, isn’t that what we’ve been told over and over on multiple choice tests, go with your gut and not change your answer as most likely it will be incorrect. If we change our mind, isn’t that compromising? And what happens when we know we are compromising too much but we do it anyway?  After all, it’s necessary to compromise sometimes but when enough is enough, there should be no more second-guessing, the decision has been made and it’s the right one

I saw a cute movie recently “Perks of Being a Wallflower”, where one of the memorable quotes was “WE ACCEPT THE LOVE WE THINK WE DESERVE”. I love this quote. I think the application is so universal. With regards to setting “hard limits” in a relationship, I suppose we set & accept the limits we think we deserve… If a limit has been breached and we go on accepting it, we are devaluing ourselves to believing we don’t deserve any better. That’s not a way to attract one’s destiny and not a way to love oneself. Saying “NO” takes guts but just like a red traffic light, it brings about order and can prevent a head on collision…

If I could only practice what I preach, but hopefully verbalizing the intention will help to stay the course.

Money doesn’t grow on … tassels: Another lesson on humility.

I had the pleasure to participate in a cap and gown ceremony several times in my life and I am sorry to say

money doesn’t grow on … tassels

definitely not in this economy it doesn’t. If you’ve found yourself out of work & trying to return to the job force, you’ll be in for a rude awakening. You’ll be lucky to get an interview, extremely lucky to get an offer, and then you must prepare yourself to be humble enough to not scoff at a pay & benefits (or lack thereof) you’re being presented with.

This is still good news for anyone who hasn’t peaked in their career and is somewhat flexible to ride out the fiscal cliff. But if the ego is standing in the way, it will be a long hard road ahead because ego is not shy to remind us where we should be if we’re not where we want to be…

Of course, ego is a double edge sword; it is a great source of motivation in good times but in not so good times it is a pain the ass. It’s because of the ego,

Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

that we are driven to want MORE and when we attain the next thing, to want even MORE. Also, it’s because of the ego that we take things for granted.

Maslow calls this phenomenon:  a hierarchy of needs, ranging from most basic physiological needs to higher needs like self-actualization & transcendence. You need to have one need satisfied before you climb the pyramid to the new one.

It’s disappointing but apparently we are not motivated to act by the needs that are already satisfied. Once we have something we are no longer motivated by it, it becomes old news and our eye quickly moves on to the next prize. Isn’t this the truth?

That’s why we have to make a habit of reminding ourselves to be grateful for what we already have, because ego has a really short memory…

Running: “You forget what happens, on the way when you get there.”

 

Was just reading The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand, thought I’ll throw in one of the great quotes.

Do we really not remember the journey once we reach the destination? Maybe sometimes. Right now I’m thinking of a destination, which I can recall STEP by STEP, literally.

It’s a destination of “becoming a RUNNER”. (or a JOGGER.)

Like any goal attained, it is sweet. Like any struggle, it wasn’t easy, but once you get through it, it feels that much more rewarding.

So, I’m not necessarily the athletic type, nor was I blessed with the type of “skinny” genes to boast about. Some may hate me for being slim but I assure you, my weight is directly proportional to my efforts of keeping it where I want it. I’ve had my moments of pigging out and when that happens, there really are no miracles, my size 6 slowly tightens into a … SITUATION where skirts are worn most comfortably.

I wish I were a diet person. That I could stay committed to a diet and be content on 1,000 or so calories a day. But I love food, good food, gourmet food; I’m even a carnivore…)

That being said, watching what I eat is not enough any more to keep same size wardrobe. (Still, having some designer brands help to get through the fat days, if you know what I mean). Few years ago, I could see what was inevitable so … I turned to running.

The point is … that I’ve always hated running. I could never picture myself jogging on a street like so many people in LA. I was more of a timed exercise gal, staring at the time elapsed/TIME REMAINING display on an elliptical or a bike, pretending to be immersed in the sweat expulsion but really praying and waiting until the chore was finally over.

To ENJOY RUNNING? You’ve got to be kidding me. You’re using your whole body, legs sore, arms sore and the worst you’re OUT OF BREATH almost immediately!

I tried running once in College, my roommate was on a track team. I thought I’ll see what all the fuss is about. I got on a treadmill and the thing rolled me backwards, ejecting me off the runway before I even got a chance to move my feet. LOL.  Not a good start.

But a decade later I gave it a shot again, and I have to admit it was one of the best decisions I’ve made. So here are some tips on how to pick up running as a sport/hobby and love it:

1. Music: Absolutely essential at the beginning and on all days you’d rather be eating, shopping, reading, doing anything but … exercising. My secret to running was Pod Runner. Website with free interval training programs for 5K, 8K and 10K. Each “K” challenge requires you to run at least 3 times a week, 10 different tracks, expecting it will take 10 weeks before you get your stamina up to par for 5K, 8K, 10K race. Now, the company also came out with an IPhone app that allows you to customize BPM (beats per minute) per track and skip the intros. Pretty cool.

   Running program like Pod Runner is great because it paces you, starts out slowly to build endurance and stamina, gives you enough breaks in the beginning that when it’s time to switch to running mode again, you are ready, looking forward … to the beat.

2. Water. Hydration is a must. Just like running until you reach the end of the block …  running until the next water break is a good means to an end. And water tastes more fabulously with each K.
3. Competition. This makes me laugh all the time, I’ll be jogging at my happy pace and I happen to pass someone (or the other way around), and then we both start running faster. Whether you are a competitive person or not (but isn’t everyone competitive?), running with others will challenge and motivate you to outrun your opponent.
4. Injuries. Be mindful of injuries. Pushing yourself is wonderful but pushing too hard defeats the purpose. If you feel pain use your common sense. It’s better to stop and take a break, than to aggravate a knee injury and worst-case scenario be forced into surgery.
5. Motivation. Keep up the motivation. Sign up for a marathon like 5K in your area. Most marathons are dedicated to a charitable cause and really are a fun event. Also, keep track of your miles to remind yourself how far you’ve come.

Venting: Fighting fire with fire. Is it a good idea?

Anyone seen the new movie release, “Looper”?

Aside from time travel and the whole business of “looping”, the kid that plays the alleged Rain Maker -Cid, was phenomenal. The first time, Cid (Pierce Gagnon) gets angry, Sara (Emily Blunt) escapes into a safe shelter inside the house. Watching this I was thinking why would a mother be afraid of her 6 year old son?

The movie builds with intensity quickly; the meaning unravels slower until the showdown in the final scene. The Rain Maker  kid with his deep-rooted childhood anger has telekinetic talents that he cannot control. The final scene when Old Joe (Bruce Willis) attempts to kill Cid (in an effort to close the loop) is an absolute must see: Cid lets out a massive telekinetic blast – with moveable objects – trees, cars, flying in the air like during a cyclone.

Cid (Pierce Gagnon) with mom (Emily Blunt)

Poor kid. He had more power than he knew what to do with … Only if he had been able to control his talents!

Cid’s outbursts certainly are quite a hyperbole but how terrible would it be if everyone externalized their anger issues with a similar BLAST. Ha. That would possibly be the end of the world.

I did some research on venting and how it actually affects our well being and I was surprised to find out that venting is NOT healthy. That seemed counterintuitive to me, after all talking about things is supposed to be therapeutic and keeping things bottled up – not.

“A gentle response diffuses anger but a sharp tongue kindles a temper fire” – The Bible

Apparently it boils down to HOW we verbalize our anger. If we choose appropriate words and tone to describe the incident and there is a potential that we can learn something from the situation, talking about it may actually be productive. But if we are just rehashing an unpleasant situation, it’s like reliving a nightmare. Talking about it will not make the issue go away. Venting can actually create more aggression, making things way worse.

So, next time you are tempted to relive an unpleasant event  … remember Cid’s superpowers in the movie “Looper”, and all the damage it caused..

Maybe the saying “if you have nothing nice to say don’t say anything at all” hits it home more than we know, because fighting fire with fire never puts out the flame.

Every Day Calls for a Celebration

Today is October 13, 2012…It may not be your birthday but somewhere in the world, someone was born. Everyday, every hour, every minute somebody is celebrating something.

I have many European friends and I was often asked, do I celebrate my name’s day? I never have, but name’s day is very common in Europe (and in some countries in Latin America and Canada). How you determine your (first) name’s day Holiday is by picking a day from a name’s day calendar. (http://www.mynameday.com/index.html ) Once you decide on your day, tell your friends and family what it is so they can follow it religiously…just like they would a birthday. You will end up having twice the festivities in your honor…with an added bonus of not having to count the candles on the cake…

We should all probably live each day as a celebration of the gift of life but just in case we forget… it’s nice to have an excuse and a reminder. And there are many of these “excuses” springing up from different directions for all sorts of occasions. For example, in the week of October 15 – 21, there is SPA Week. The concept was born in 2004 and it offers spa treatments at a discounted rate of $50 per treatment. What that will buy you is 60 minutes massage or facial and more (http://www.spaweek.com/) It’s a national event and all you have to do is go to their website and choose from a directory of participating vendors in your city. I often hear people say “I’d do something nice for myself but it makes me feel guilty ”. Well, thank you Spa Week for providing a perfect excuse to get pampered. It’s a special occasion, it’s at a discount, it’s once a year – it seems perfectly justifiable.

Did you know, there is a Chocolate Day (July), Ice Cream Day (July)? November 15h is Clean Your Refrigerator Day. (Let’s hope, this celebration recurs more than once a year!) Nov 17^th is a Take a Hike Day (ok…this is supposed to be an actual hike, not telling someone to take a hike day lol). Nov 19^th is Have a Bad Day. Yes, this day was created to recognize that everyone is entitled to having a crappy day once in a while.

In all the absurdity and jest of some of these fictional celebrations, there lies an important truth and meaning. Every minute, any task, any memory, any event calls for a celebration. We are used to observing birthdays, weddings, religious and national holidays like Christmas, Fourth of July but there is a huge range of celebrations named after food, sports, people, professions and state of being. The options are endless, whatever you want to celebrate, it’s on the calendar, if not, no one said you cannot declare your own unique holiday…

“If you light a lamp for someone else, it will also brighten your path” – Buddha

Celebration is an attitude; it calls for forgetting oneself and honoring someone or something else. Remember, if you run out of things to celebrate, check out www.holidayinsights.com, for some ideas on “holidays” celebrated around the world.

Forced Perspective in Photography

As means of illustrating my point from last post, take a look at these amazing photographs. These great pictures tell a convincing story about perspective. Regardless whether the perspective is real or forced (with a little help from Photoshop), the message is loud and clear.  Optical illusion makes a compelling argument that .. everything is relative.  Enjoy.

* These photographs belong to various artists I found while perusing on Flicker, I only picked images with Copyright policy that allowed sharing.

Life: How to gain new perspectives?

In my last post I began talking about perspective. Perspective, point of view, how we see the world: doesn’t EVERYTHING revolve around how we perceive  things around us and how we are perceived? Perspective is our internal interpreter and translator. Perspective is a catalyst for our feelings, relationships; it is responsible for all life decisions.

In its simplest form, there is glass half empty vs. glass half full perspective, optimist vs. pessimist view. But that seems to be a really condensed illustration of perspective, and it is too absolute in my opinion, because real life is not black and white. I know my life comes in different shades and colors.

The type of perspective I’m alluding to in this post is the top-down perspective (or aerial view).

Few years ago, I was going through some soul searching, my own version of Eat, Prey, Love. I decided to do something out of character and travel to Spain on my own. I am not really the travelling solo and roughing it type of gal, but something told me I needed to do that. Besides, I’ve wanted to go to Spain for as long as I can remember! Luckily my trip & boarding turned out to be free of any serious life-threatening circumstances (although I definitely flirted with disaster in Madrid airport when the last plane of the night was cancelled, not to mention a time when a tour bus in Barcelona took off with all my belongings without me on board!). Overall, I returned home to Los Angeles, very happy and energized, glad to have had the enriching cultural and social experience while travelling through Spain.

Back in my LA life after the trip, I could tell my perspective was much improved. I was revitalized and excited once again to face life challenges head on. Also, I found myself to be more patient, compassionate and appreciative of the life I had.

Refreshing outlook on things, reframing perspective does wonders. Oftentimes, we are so occupied with our personal world that our view becomes very short sighted and narrow in scope. In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, it’s so easy to get sucked into the whirlwind soon to find things banal and get disenchanted. But no matter what we are experiencing in life, once we realize that life is so much bigger than all that happens to us, we can start shifting the point of view WITHOUT actually travelling anywhere…

Except just like working out only once in a while does not produce visible results, fine-tuning perspective is most effective when it becomes part of a routine…Practice makes perfect!

Staying Strong in Time of Uncertainty

We survived Carmageddon 2! For those outside of Los Angeles that haven’t heard this expression before…it has nothing do with the end of the world but closing 405 for a few miles stretch between Santa Monica and the Valley could very well feel like the end of the world. Interestingly enough all the hype surrounding weekend construction and the planned freeway closure convinced most drivers to avoid driving at all costs. Returning from San Diego on Saturday, I was amazed to drive at full speed during the entire freeway trip, which is a very rare occurrence by the way, (even on the weekends). City of Santa Monica and adjacent areas seemed transformed that day. People really took the “Carmageddon” precautions to heart and actually got their bikes out of storage to see the light of day…It was an interesting sight!

It really is amazing that the freeway closure went so smoothly. Other than several folks being cited for rollerblading, it was a non-event. But on any given day, try closing just one lane, and madness follows.

I guess just like in life once you know what to expect, you can plan around the situation. But unfortunately life does not come with an emergency preparedness kit and scheduled detour routes. When uncertainty hits, we don’t always see all the possible outcomes. Even though the reality is always the same, we see what we want to see in any given situation. Look at the picture I’ve attached: what is the first woman you see? Young or old? PERSPECTIVE, PERSPECTIVE, PERSPECTIVE. Easier said than done, but it’s all about seeing the BIG PICTURE.

Everything in Equilibrium

You swing by Starbucks to get the morning caffeine boost on the way to work; you place the cup in the cup holder of your car, there is stop and go traffic…coffee starts getting really excited, spills and leaks all over the upholstery, mats…awhh, it’s a messy mess! Does this sound familiar?

This was my humble attempt to describe Newton’s law of motion, an object at rest tends to stay at rest and an object in motion tends to stay in motion. Physics is definitely not my true calling but the idea is this: the coffee was perfectly fine hanging out in the cup before it was startled & impacted by an unbalanced force. The concept of equilibrium, or more like how to attain equilibrium is instrumental to the study of the sciences; it explains everything from mathematics to the study of the universe. It is not about exclusivity, equilibrium is not necessarily just an ideal proportion or formula, it is more about the right combination taking into account all moving parts and the forces that impact them.

Let’s assume you are shopping for a trip you are about to embark on and can only buy 3 things. There is grocery department, home goods department, women’s, men’s, kids, sporting goods, books & other entertainment, the list goes on. So many choices. What do you get? What are the 3 items that if bought would bring harmony to the trip? (Well, I guess it all depends on where you are going and who is coming along!)

Getting mind, body and soul on board, all in a happy equilibrium is not easy. It’s an art of calibration, to constantly adapt the moving parts. They often move at different speeds and in different directions. But when all is in perfect harmony, circumstances, feelings, attitude perfectly aligned, it’s an experience you want to hold onto forever. You know what I’m talking about…It’s a time when you are at your best, completely tuned in to take advantage of all the unique gifts God has equipped you with. It’s when nothing phases you in the least, you are living your life’s purpose. While, this moment doesn’t last forever, hang onto it as long as you can. And when it’s out of sight, keep on searching for all the sources that bring you back closer to your life’s equilibrium!

Space Shuttle Endeavor being ferried by Boeing 747. Endeavour went on to fly 25 missions, and logged nearly 123 million miles (198 million km) in flight during 4,671 orbits. It will be put on display at California Science Center in Los Angeles.